I take full responsibility for everything

I joined OKCupid in the fall of 2005, when I was a really bored college freshman. I was not interested in dating anyone from a website. I just wanted to take mindless internet quizzes for a couple hours while all my friends were off having sex.

So I did. And then forgot about it. And then every few months, I would reach the depths of boredom, and the process would repeat itself.

In the summer of 2008, I went to NYC for an internship. My good friend Jezebel was one of the few people I knew in the city, so I spent a lot of time lounging in her apartment. One day, she complained "I'm bored". And then... the saga began.

Since I am really just a thirteen-year-old at heart, I said "Let's take internet quizzes!". Except Jezebel wasn't so much into the quizzes as she was the free dating site aspect. She created a profile, and then nagged me into filling out mine. We looked at the young men of the city spread out before us... it was like looking at a boy catalog! How could we resist?

Okay. I admit it. I was the first one to go on a date. I found a hip, smart Japanese boy in Brooklyn who gave me a pretty good rating. He invited me to see a show at the Whitney Museum, which naturally appealed to me. We met up at Starbucks. He was barely taller than me and had a wispy goatee. I rolled with it. We went to the museum and he had all sorts of interesting things to say about Buckminster Fuller, and we kept up a steady conversation all the way through the museum. Eventually we ended up outside and continued our stroll through Central Park, where we stopped to watch the birds and talk about Apple's business plans. He seemed incredibly knowledgable about a lot of things. He was also a college dropout about six months younger than me. I was intrigued. We walked halfway across Manhatten before we decided to hop train back to Brooklyn and have dinner at a little place he knew in Williamsburg.

Dinner took a long time. We shared a few appetizers and had a few drinks, and the sky was dark by the time we left. We were still keeping up the conversation. I mentioned a friend in passing who loved Ayn Rand and didn't believe in evolution. The Boy's eyebrows raised. "Well," he said, "I mean, I think there are some valid points there."

I was drunk. Part of me said "Uh oh" but I breezed over it and went on.

Eventually it was about 10 pm and we had spent the last 7 hours together. Epic date. I parted with him at the subway station, ready to head back to Jezebel. He gave me a peck on the lips and I left with a smile on my face.

Soooooooooo

I saw him once more a week later and found him weird and supremely annoying. I was leaving NYC in two weeks, I was completely broke, and our great conversation had stalled in the face of my stress. Who was this weird Randian college dropout? Why did I kiss him? What on earth happened? This whole boy catalog thing wasn't as great as I had hoped.

Thus ended my first (and only) experience with OkCupid dating. Jezebel has many more interesting stories to tell on that subject. I can only take credit for getting the ball rolling.

In a Relationship

After exiting one of the more significant relationships of my life, I wasn’t anxious to jump back into the dating scene. Online dating, however, provides an interesting, noncommittal approach to the whole thing. Make a profile – maybe people message you – maybe they won’t. Maybe someone strikes your fancy – maybe they won’t. No obligation. No pressure. And that was the most appealing thing to me – manshopping with no purchase required. Just a simple yet comforting reminder that there are, in fact, other (straight and available) fish in the sea.

Not long after creating a profile, I received an IM from a young man. “i had to message you because youre the only other person I ever 'met' who double-majored in theatre and psyc!” A simple and clear indication that he’d read my profile. And while perhaps I wasn’t really looking for anything, I love talking to people who can talk to me about theater. So I responded. He was ever positive and exuberant. Everything I said to him he encouraged with an “Awesome” or a “So great!” and while this is not necessarily the most attractive in a man and usually comes off as trying-too-hard or simply phony, something felt very honest to me. Probably I was just looking for a little optimism, but I gave him my IM name, happy to have someone to talk to who seems so exuberant and interested.

We would chat often and his positive energy was addictive. He had a band with his friends that would perform gigs and he'd post photos to Facebook of the rocking out having an amazing time. I would imagine being there and cheering him on until the wee hours of the morning. I was strangely encouraged by his "looking for" on Facebook: Friendship, Dating, or A Relationship. Which again, might be perceived as a little desperate, but I ate it up.

Then one morning I go to check out his dating profile. But it didn't seem to exist anymore. I went through my messages concerned that I'd made a spelling error but low and behold I got the note: "I couldn’t find anyone with that profile name. Maybe try searching for someone else?" Interesting. I go to check out his Facebook profile. "In a relationship." Interesting. I mean, not that he owed me anything, we hadn't even met in person. But still it felt like a rejection. I awaited our next conversation where he would break the news to me.

Soon enough we were talking again. Did he mention a new girlfriend? No. Next day? Still no. Three conversations later? Not a hint.

I decided to take matters into my own hands. I'm not really interested in being the other woman. Being my super-smooth self I subtly asked, "So you are in a relationship now?" Which he denied vehemently. Apparently Facebook Mobile messes everything up on his profile. Including his Relationship Status and Looking For sections. Seemed reasonable enough. And seemed easy enough to fix. A few days later when he was still listed as in a relationship, I brought it up again. The following exchange ensued:

Him: id still like to meet up at some point
Me: haha okay
Me: maybe when you're single again
Him: bleghhhh lol
Him: meanie
Me: it's weird!
Him: what is?
Me: your relationship status
Me: did you try changing it?
Him: jeez youre really gung ho about this arent ya?
Me: I am!
Me: It makes me uncomfortable
Me: I don't think that's that unreasonable
Me: I bet if I were listed as in a relationship you'd have some questions for me, no?
Him: uh, no.
Me: Really?
Him: im telling u the truth
Him: im not a jealous person
Him: im VERY trusting
Me: I wouldn't say this is a jealousy issue haha
Him: well you asked, i answered
Him: and to be fair, we dont even know each other
Him: i dont know what else to tell you
Me: you don't have to tell me anything
Me: I am just telling you that it makes me uncomfortable
Me: and you can do what you want with that
Him: and i am just telling you that ive tried to change it multiple times
Me: okay
Him: think about it.
Him: if i WAS in a relationship and i still wanted to meet with you, why would i leave it up?

I could think of many reasons. All involving a girlfriend. I decided that too much didn't add up and mentally gave him a week to change his status.

To this day he is listed as in a relationship. I hope they're happy!